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10/20/11 - Ann Arbor, MI

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Sunrise Review Kauai Hawaii Hanalei Bay
March 27, 2010

The sunrises of Hawaii have been the inspiration for countless shitty tattoos and redneck van murals, so in the interest of full disclosure my attitude upon entering the beach to review the sunrise was already slanted towards the negative. 

The beach itself had a deserted mid morning jerk off theater feel and the sand  was a ruddy off colored white. The waves were making a typical highway traffic whooshing sound with absolutely no attempt to create any sort of contrast, none of the enthusiastic crashing upon rocks, or even the choppy blast of some of the more respected oceans.

There were a few mottled sea birds silently hobbling about in the surf sullenly picking at sand grubs, and the only other audience member was a deranged man slumped against a palm tree a few meters up the beach. This initial lackluster preshow put me in an awkward mood, but after a few palate cleansing bumps of ketamine my mind became sufficiently clear and I relaxed into my beach chair and peered into the horizon.

The show began with an interesting flourish of spotted orange colored light that held up well against the troop of lavender colored clouds hanging above the tree line. This prelude was a clear nod to the legendary 2004 “Violet Thunder” sunrise of Kabul Afghanistan and for a moment I thought we were off to a great start, but my hopes were dashed when the orange spots spread out into a pale off colored yellow reminiscent of the armpit stains of an overly washed janitors t-shirt.

The clouds, which to this point had been performing at a small town community sunrise level, began parting in an unorganized sloppy march to the north and south. One of them had apparently forgotten it was even in a sunrise and hung there obstructing the focal point and then darting away several beats after its cue.

The cloudless sky rather than inspiring us with a heroic shift to glorious magenta or even a formal citrus orange stayed with the diseased yellow theme, and somehow managed to become  more washed out even as the sun morosely shuffled into the sky with the pace of an overly medicated senior.

These kinds of underplayed performance art sunrises have been out of style since the late sixties when they were used primarily as a symbol of protest for the Vietnam War.  At that time a tough love sunrise filled the leaders of the land with a certain level of “cursed by god” anxiety while inspiring activists to fight in hopes of better sunrises, but in this recession era a muted sunrise, even one done in the retro spirit, is redundant and completely lost on the viewer.

The Hawaiian sun should remember that these are the days of Cameron and Pixar and as such should do whatever is necessary to keep pace with the stiff competition, or face beaches even emptier than today’s.

I’m afraid that I have no choice but to give the Kauai Hanalei beach morning sunrise one out of five stars, and I would not recommend it to anyone interested in having a nice morning.