Tour Dates

10/17/11 - Los Angeles, CA

BRUNCH

10/20/11 - Ann Arbor, MI

Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase

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The Shemix Colthax Poison plant is located just 30 miles outside of LA in the Lower Pasadena Gulch. The Colthax poison plant is unique in that it is the only poison manufacturing factory that offers guided tours to the public. Most of the other poison factories in the United States stopped giving tours in the mid sixties, though a few still have self guided tours.

I arrived at the plant Via Tour Bus. We were scanned for weapons and drugs by a friendly black security guard who made funny “def comedy jam” style jokes about how fat we were. Once through the check point we were taken into a lecture hall where the factories president gave a quick speech about the structure of the plant.

He told us the plant itself actually consists of a series of above ground processing silos called “clucks” that are all connected via a web of underground concrete tunnels. These tunnels branch off into “work pods” that consist of 5 scientists and a foreman who monitors the processing of the poison and insures that the scientists stay alert by intermittently ringing a bell and blowing a whistle.

Every hour the scientists pour the poison they have collected into a collection duct. Once the duct is filled with 3 litres of poison it is released into a pipe that carries the poison through a tube where it is sprayed onto mice. The poison liquefies the mice and this liquid is used to make more poison.

It was an interesting lecture, and afterwards a comedian came out and did about 6 minutes of stand up. We were then outfitted in Orange Safety suits and allowed to crawl through some of the tubes connecting the work pods. The tubes had windows in them and as we crawled by we would wave at the scientists who seemed completely absorbed in creating poison. I couldn’t even get one to look at me and at one point I was actually banging on the glass.

We got lucky, because at the end of the tour Shylan Bridges, the owner of the plant, gave us a quick talk about the plant. He told us that he takes great pride in the fact that his poison is only made from the purest sources available. According to Bridges many other poison plants create poison with sub grade chemicals and do not run the poisons through the same purification process. According to Bridges “That’s why some poisons don’t kill, but only sicken.”

At the end of his talk he hugged some of us and invited us back that summer for another tour. If anyone is interested on going on the tour with me send me a message and I will see if I can include you on the list.