Tour Dates

10/17/11 - Los Angeles, CA

BRUNCH

10/20/11 - Ann Arbor, MI

Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase

Featured Videos

 

Updates

This is the state of the union address my penis wrote to my body.

Arms, Head, Torso, Chest, Stomach, Legs, Ass, Hands, Feet, and everything in between:

Tonight I want to begin by congratulating all the new cells that have recently regenerated throughout the entire body.  We are also mindful of the empty patch on top of our head where there once was flourishing hair, and pray for the many hairs that have fallen.

It’s no secret that many of the parts here tonight have had their differences. And that’s a good thing. A healthy body needs parts that sometimes disagree. It is our differences that give us a personality, and as we are in the entertainment industry, our personality is the most important thing.

But there’s a reason the sudden loss of hair at the top of our head gave us pause.  Amid all the noise and passion and rancor of our disparate parts wanting to do different things- our hands wanting to masturbate, our feet not wanting to get up to urinate, our legs wanting to take us to the vodka in the freezer, and our mouth wanting to eat marijuna brownies in the day,  our new bald spot reminds us that we are all attached to something that is getting old.

We are our body. Whether from underarm hair to double chin we are one body. And as one body we share a common need. To not get too fat or too unhealthy so that our girlfriend will continue to have sex with us and we can reproduce.

This is what makes us human.

Now by itself the simple understanding that we are descending into middle age and growing bald and fat is not enough to change anything. What matters is if instead of sleeping to 11am tomorrow as we have for the last year, we wake up at 6am and go jogging.

I believe we can. I believe we must. At stake right now is whether or not we will be one of those chubby bearded 40 year old stoners with a bottle of lotion at his desk, or a surprisingly in shape middle aged man with a child to carry our DNA into the future.

We are poised to reproduce! Two years after our one year sex drought we actually had sex more than once in a year! Last year we had sex several times a month, and this year, though sex is down prospects look good.

This is the project we should, as a body, work on together: reproduction.

In the past I have, as a penis, made mistakes. I encouraged you to have unprotected sex with party tramps not considering the end result of bearing a child, only wanting us to reproduce.  You were smarter than me in this regard, and somehow avoided accidentally creating a child.

But now I speak to you not from a place of stupid passion, but from a logical place. A place of reality.  If we do not put a bun in the oven this year, then the genetic chain that extends back to the original ape mother may be severed forever. 

We must remember that as a body we are essentially a train for DNA. If we do not allow our DNA to exit the train and board another, then our long journey has ultimately been for nothing more than playing video games and smoking weed. 

The brain tells us that everyone we know who is our age with a child seem as though they have become slaves to tiny screaming vampires that they are legally required to feed and educate. The eyes tell us that the earth is overpopulated and there is a good chance that within the next few years we will be ankle deep in nuclear ash, the ears tell us that the shrieking of a baby is worse than the singing of demons,  but my friend and ally the heart sees things differently.

The heart tells us that a child will show us our true humanity. The heart tells us that the inconvenience of a child is a small price to pay for seeing the unconditional love beaming from the face of someone we brought into this world.

So, body, as your penis I leave the decision to you. Do you listen to the brain or the heart?   Do you allow the mouth, brain, legs, fingers, hands, arms, ass, eyes, face, and instincts to have their way and not reproduce?  Or do we listen to the heart, and bring into this magical wonderful world a delightful baby sure to bring us happiness greater than anything we could ever have hoped for. 

Your Penis.