Tour Dates

10/17/11 - Los Angeles, CA

BRUNCH

10/20/11 - Ann Arbor, MI

Ann Arbor Comedy Showcase

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Here’s how to grow your own Glenn Beck.

What you’ll need:

1. 2 pounds of Thigh fat from a homeless man, preferably schizophrenic.

2. Moldering baby clothes from a trash-bin at a children’s hospital.

3. Toe Jam swiped from the inner folds of a senile historians foot.

4. A bin of snuff films

5. Senator Semen

5. A cute little mouse

6. Dental Floss

7. Chest of Tea Party Member

8. Tiny American Flag

The recipe:

Using your fists angrily punch the thigh fat,  and Toe Jam into a soft pink pulp.  If you mix appropriately the pulp should have the pink mashed look of anyone who has been badly beaten in a hate crime.

Form this pulp into the shape of a demon heart, and wrap it in the moldering baby clothes.  Seal it all up with a thick coat of semen extracted from a senator in an S&M dungeon. Viola! You now have a Glen Beck seed.

Now, using dental floss bind the cute mouse to a tiny chair, and place the chair above the Glenn Beck seed.  Position this directly facing a television and force the mouse to watch snuff films.  If done correctly the mouse should begin to emit fear urine which will water the Glenn Beck seed.

After 4 weeks the seed will begin to emit the sulfury acrid smell of burning Palestinian children.  This smell known as “Beck Breath” indicates that you’re on the right track.

Now make an incision into the chest cavity of a tea party member, and push the smoking seed deep into the heart.  Sew the whole thing up and wait.

After two weeks a tiny indignant fist should jut up from the incision.  Push the American Flag into the fist and pull- A tiny little Glenn Beck should emerge.

Congratulations! You now have your own pocket Glenn Beck. Enjoy watching him spread your corporate message to the idiotic masses!